It’s been absolutely crazy around here as we condense 4300 square feet into what will be ONE Uhaul load across the country to Tennessee. It’s emotional, it’s exciting, it’s freeing, it’s stressful, it’s all the things.
On the one hand, it’s been really wonderful to purge a lot of things that I don’t need to have in my life anymore. Would you believe that I had every single note that was ever written to me between classes from jr. high through high school? I have every picture- even the ones that didn’t turn out- from high school and college (because remember, back then you only had actual film and actual pictures?). I have every love note, every rose, every little memento from every past relationship. It was SO strange to wade through all of that, and actually get myself to throw most of it away. After nine years of marriage, I think it’s definitely time, right?
But on the other hand, going through all this reminds me of all the things I don’t remember anymore. And it makes me realize that things like the sunset over the mountains, and the smell of the desert air, and the feel of the snow under my shoes will all be things that I might forget to remember. Just small moments. Things that don’t take up a lot of room in your mind, but things that take up more square footage in your heart. I hope I don’t forget to remember those things when we’re on the other side of this crazy.
I’m also finding that we’re supposed to be- and are- very excited about this dream being realized, but we’re also allowed to mourn the end of the chapter here in Nevada. That’s something that seems out of place.
I’m asked all the time, “Are you guys so excited?” And of course the answer is yes. But I find myself wanting to respond with, “I’m really sad.” I want to give myself permission to just be sad that the start of one thing is usually the end of another. And this thing- this life here- is pretty special.
It’s kind of like when the seventh Harry Potter book came out. I just couldn’t wait to read it, and I didn’t want to put it down, but the closer I got to the end of the book, the more I realized that this really is the very end. There isn’t anything else. And as much as I want to see how the story goes, I also don’t want it to be done.
Yea, it’s like that.
So as I sit here, sifting through things and emotions, I write to remind myself- and you- that I knew there would come a time that I would wonder if we really were doing the right thing. I would question this ENORMOUS decision, and wonder if we’d just be better off playing it small. But, as I wrote in a previous blog about this very idea, it’s SO important that we REMEMBER the times that God has convicted us, shown up for us, advocated for us, and pushed us. Because those are the very times we’ll need to go back to. Those are the monuments we’ll want to revisit, to remember that we’re on the right path- His path- and we’re doing what He called us to do. And when you’re doing that, you can’t be wrong. Because if God is for us, then who can stand against us, right?
Well God, it’s you and me. I pray that you continue to show me, lead me, convict me, protect me and challenge me. I know we’re on the right path. And I know you’re sad with me. And I know you’re all about me throwing away pictures of my old boyfriends…