“What if you’re wrong?”
That was the question that started it all. When you’re raised an Atheist as I was, believing there is no God, it’s easy to think that what you believe is the absolute truth. My grandmother was sure, my mother was sure, and so I became sure there was no God. In public school I was taught I didn’t have to believe in God because there are plenty of theories that suggest a God didn’t create the world or me. My teachers were sure, my friends were sure, and so I became sure the world could exist without a Creator.
But what if I was wrong? What if there was a God?
Despite how confident I was in what I believed, at the end of the day, my confidence didn’t make my beliefs true. That is a hard lesson to learn and an even harder reality to face. Trust me. I’ve lived it.
Tom, the man who would become my husband, was the one who truly challenged my beliefs. He asked me hard questions. I knew what I believed, but as he pushed on my answers it became very clear that I didn’t really know why I believed what I believed, and worse, I didn’t know how I’d arrived at those conclusions.
Could I have been created? Why do I think I couldn’t have been? Was there really a Big Bang? Did that make more sense than God? Am I just being stubborn here?
The questions started to flood my brain and my confidence started to fail. My husband didn’t tell me about God, not in the way one might expect, but he found a way to get me to consider the possibility of God. My husband trusted what God promises in 2 Chronicles 15:2: If you seek Him, He will be found by you. Tom knew he didn’t have to take me all the way from where I was to where God is, he just had to point me in the right direction.
God is faithful to do the rest.
After a few years of questioning, arguing, considering, and doubting, I found myself at a precipice. I knew I could no longer believe in the lie that God didn’t exist—it was clear to me that something or Someone created this world and me—but I didn’t know if I could fully buy into a God who allowed so much sadness and brokenness.
Was God even good? If He was real, did I even want Him?
Although this is a question many Christians, myself included, continue to struggle with today, I’ve come to understand there is purpose in everything—both the good and the bad. Sin disrupted God’s original plan, and we’ve been choosing sin over God every day since the garden. However, God can be counted on to redeem the brokenness and to use our mistakes and rebellion for our good. Tom helped me to see how true that was in my own story.
The real shift for me came when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child. I now see how beautiful it is that God has given us an earthly parallel to an eternal relationship. God is a Creator, and He gave us the ability to be creators as well so we might understand just a bit of the unconditional love He has for us. If you’re a parent, you know what I mean. I love my children in a way they will never be able to fully understand or return. Yes, my kids love me dearly, but I would move heaven and earth for them. I knew, as my first baby grew inside of me, that she would have the choice to love me, to respect me, to stay in relationship with me. She could choose the same way we can choose (or choose not) to love God.
This was profound to me. It broke my heart for the way I’d distanced myself from a Father who loved me so completely. And then, one afternoon, everything changed forever.
I was folding laundry in my bedroom, nearly eight months pregnant, and suddenly I felt God in the room with me. It was indisputable. I’d been asking for Him to reveal Himself to me, but I wasn’t sure what that meant or would look like. I didn’t know if He could or would do it. But He did. My Father in Heaven became as real to me as the child inside me whom I could no more see than touch—not there in my arms, but undeniably existent all the same.
As tears fell from my eyes, I got down on my knees. Years had passed since I’d first started to wonder, and there were still years of questions to be asked and answers to be sought, but I could no longer keep my heart from the God who authored and perfected every step of my life. He’d been faithful to meet me in the middle of my imperfection. It was the least I could do to confess Him as Lord.
In the months and years that passed after that fateful moment in the middle of my laundry, I came to know Jesus as my Savior and the Bible as my compass. If you’ve never known Jesus nor read the Bible, both can be overwhelming, mystical, and confusing. But as I sought to understand and prayed for revelation, God showed up again and again. The pieces fell together more and more. Jesus is the tangible proof of God. Jesus is the missing piece of the puzzle. Jesus is the rock that was always missing from my life’s foundation. Finding Him was like coming home after a long journey—Restful relief.
The beautiful thing about being in relationship with our Heavenly Father is it’s always new, never boring, and constantly growing deeper. It’s funny to think that I used to feel confident in my belief that God couldn’t be real, because that belief made my life full of insecurity and fear. Now, not only do I know what I believe, I know why I believe it and how it’s true and that fills my life with peace and confidence like nothing ever has or ever will.
God is good. He is seeking you like you can’t imagine. The Bible tells us that if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us (James 4:8) but don’t ever forget that it’s God who initiates. He’s the one chasing you. And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ (Philippians 1:6). He started it. And He will complete it. Your job is simply to seek Him.
Want to learn more about my journey to faith? This short blog is just the beginning. Get the full story here in my book What If You’re Wrong?